Thursday, February 24, 2011
Feeling Blue
I have been getting more and more depressed these days. I feel like this pregnancy will never end. In a way I can see myself slipping into despair and hopelessness, but I feel like I have no control over my brain sometimes. I don't know if it's all of the extra hormones or just my inability to do anything for months. I'm starting to feel like nothing matters and I've been hoping that I could just curl up in a ball and sleep for the rest of my pregnancy, but with an 18 month old that is not a possibility. Still no one understands and it is hard for me not to feel that they also don't care. The people that do ask me how I am are just looking for the "I'm good how are you" and when I start telling them how I really am they get bored after a few seconds and end the conversation. I don't want to complain all the time and I don't want to be a downer, but for some reason I desperately have the need for others to know what a difficult time I am going through. I guess misery really does love company... but maybe if I had more company I wouldn't be quite so miserable. My mind is just in a dark place right now. I feel so alone, it isn't so bad once Mikey gets home from work, but he is gone before we get up and doesn't get home for another 10-11 hours. Livvy and I are just isolated here in our house, no way to get anywhere, I feel too tired at 6 in the morning to drive 40 minutes to drop Mikey off then the 40 minutes home. In reality I know I don't have the energy or will power to go anywhere by myself with Olivia or to even get dresses and ready to be out of the house. I hate thinking like this and feeling like this. I know things aren't that bad, yet my brain is full of sad and angry thoughts and I feel like giving up. 23 1/2 weeks, 16 1/2 to go. I know I have to make it until then but at times it seems impossible. I feel like such a terrible mother, doing the bare minimum for little Olivia and not being able to take care of myself for my unborn little boy. I know I will make it through, but I also know the next few months will be hard to endure. I need to just keep breathing and eventually weeks will pass and the time will come. I just pray it will come quickly and stop dragging on and on and on.
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3 comments:
Hi Reagan,
I know we were never close butI wish i lived by you and then i would come visit you everyday! I know what it feels like to be so depressed and not feel like doing anything or that anything is worth doing. I know that that doesnt make it any easier. I just wish that i could be there for you. I'm home all alone most days and nights, so we would make a good team. I'll keep praying for you and hoping that this little boy gives you a little more energy and happiness in the days to come.
love, Amber
Ps and keep telling people how you feel, maybe one of them will end up caring.
Oh Reagan, I'm sorry to hear this! I kind of know what you feel- with the depression part, not the pregnancy, seeing as how I've never been pregnant, but I also have felt so depressed and not wanted to leave my bed. and sometimes it does seem like no one cares and that they really don't want to hear the truth- and even if they do listen, you feel like you are just being a downer, and since you are so down, the person doesn't really want to be with you, but are just being polite. Depression is such a hard thing. I hate it. Sometimes it really makes you wonder what the Lord's plan is that this could be included in it. But it does strengthen me a little to know that the Lord will never leave us- even if we feel like it is too difficult to do the little things like pray and read the scriptures. I know we don't live close together and haven't kept in touch much since you guys moved out, but let me know if you ever want to talk or anything. You are special and loved! and your daughter is so cute! I'm sure your baby boy will be too!! Tell Mikey hi!
Love, Mickell
Thank you guys, I truly appreciate your kind words! This pregnancy has just been such a hard and long one and I haven't been able to be my normal self for a long time and it is very frustrating! My little boy is doing great so that has taken some of the stress away, it got really hard thinking I could still lose him and that all of this would be for nothing, but now if something were to happen he has at least a chance of living outside the womb, but it looks like we wont have to worry about that for a while. The Lord definitely gives me strength and I know he is always there for me, I just need to turn to Him and not listen to all of the negative thoughts in my head! Thanks so much for your encouragement!! I really need it right now! :)
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